Posted on 22nd September 2008 by aaron in Reviews - Tags: , , , ,

Well, what can I say about ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE?  …This movie just…it was awful.  I’m damn glad I didn’t have to waste money on it, that’s for sure. I can positively state just about two things I liked about this flick: The Cinematography and the Location.  Other than that, you’ll find, along with your run-of-the-mill slasher, a film so full of angst you’d think it had been a WB (ahem, CW) reject, chock full of annoying, cliche’d Dawson’s Creek-esque characters. Here’s the synopsis from IMDB:

The orphan Mandy Lane is a beautiful, virgin and pure teenager raised by her aunt, desired by her schoolmates and a close friend of the outcast Emmet. After the death of their high school mate in a pool party, Mandy befriends Chloe, Marlin, Red, Bird and Jake. Red invites the group for a weekend party in the isolated ranch of his family, with all the boys disputing who would succeed in having sex with Mandy Lane. They meet the henchman Garth that takes care of the ranch and he asks the group to go easy on the drugs and booze. In the middle of the night, a stranger wearing a hood attacks Marlin in the barn; when Jake seeks her out, he faces the killer, beginning a night of bloodshed and terror.

This flick was just flat out boring as hell with a soundtrack rife with chick remakes of classic songs (which did nothing but make me dislike it that much more).  With all the hype surrounding this one, I was ready for a kickass shot in the arm but got, instead, a catheter to the dickhole.  The look if the film was incredible, and I see the DP and Art Director going on to have a fairly illustrious career if this movie doesn’t ruin them.  I have to admit the movie LOOKED beautiful.  Unfortunately, however, not even the delicious Amanda Heard (see below) could save this one.  And to top everything off, we had a “twist” ending anyone with about half a brain could’ve seen coming well before the halfway point of the flick.  The tagline I’d put on this one would be *SPOILER* Columbine in the Country *END SPOILER*.  Other than a few gags here and there, the gore wasn’t really there, and the nudity was wanting (Slasher Staples people, I mean, come on, if you’ve got a shit movie on your hands, you’d better put in the two B’s of horror, BLOOD ‘n BOOBS for an ace in the hole.  See if if you want to waste your money in time, or you’re morbidly curious, or perhaps if you’re the type that likes flogging yourself with a cat ‘o nine tails on a consistent basis, but I would definitely recommend moving on to something worthwhile.  Hell, I can see now why Dimension dropped it (though it’s mentioned it had something to do with GRINDHOUSE flopping, I suspect it was because the movie sucked third world balls!)  Below is a trailer if you’re interested and a pic of Amber Heard to bring a bit of joy to this review.

Horrid story, worse characters and dialogue. Flush this turd. One out of Five Skulls: