REVIEW: FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

Posted on 16th February 2009 by aaron in News,Reviews - Tags: , , , , ,

WHAT THE FUCK?

This movie was worse than Rob Zombie’s Halloween Remake.  This was ALMOST as bad as Stockholm Syndrome.  This movie is the biggest fuck up of all time.  Seriously.  WHAT….THE….FUCK.

Ok, ok, let me start over.  I went into this movie with an amazing amount of excitement.  From everything that came out before the movie hit theaters, I was stoked as hell.  Then I went to see it.  This movie is nothing like a Friday movie except that Jason is in it, but he’s not the Jason we all know and love.  He’s not your mindless, badass killing machine.  He’s this plotting, planning, tunnel living guy.  He sets up all of these traps which Jason NEVER did and, I don’t know man, I just don’t know how to go about describing this.  It’s not even a remake.  It’s more of another sequel, but a bad one, worse than Jason X.  There are no creative kills.  There IS a metric shit ton of nudity, so it had that going for it, but it didn’t really add anything to the franchise.  It was boring and meaningless.  It seemed like they TRIED to have a story going with Jared Padalecki trying to find his sister who was on some trip out in the woods to find weed when Jason struck and took out all of the teens, or college age kids or whatever.  He killed all of them EXCEPT for Padalecki’s sister.  Why?  What was the point other than a happy ending for the Padalecki character.

You hardly ever saw Jason in fact.  What the fuck was with that.  Any time you saw him, he was on screen for about 3 seconds and then we have to deal with a bunch of shit dialogue from characters we never empathize with.  We can’t even empathize with the protagonist (Padalecki) because, well, he was just as one dimensional as all the others.  It seemed almost as though this movie was put together in a rushed three day weekend.  Seriously.  I cannot rail against this movie hard enough.  I can’t believe I wasted money to see it.  It was just another forgettable slasher that doesn’t do any kind of justice for the character of Jason Voorhees or the series in general.  Avoid seeing this one unless you have a gun to your head.

Awful.  Just…just awful.

ZERO SKULLS.  THIS FLICK IS D.O.A.

POSTSCRIPT:
It would be nice, seriously, if Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay, Marcus Nispel and Brad Fuller just started selling used cars or something instead of making movies.  Talentless fucks, all of them.

FRIDAY THE 13th REDUX REVIEW COMING SOON

Possibly tomorrow I’ll have my thoughts on the new Friday film.  Until then, I’ll leave off with the short “I thought this flick was a huge piece of shit undeserving of, and insulting to, the name.  I actually HATE this movie.”

More tomorrow…

THE GREAT JASON WEIGH-IN

Ok all you loyal Backwoods Horror readers, it’s time to weigh in.  In honor of Friday the 13th itself and the upcoming remake, I’m wondering what everyone’s favorite Jason is from the long series of films.  For me, it has to be none other than Kane Hodder’s first appearance in Friday 7.  It had the best makeup and the best Jason Voorhees of all time.  But I wanna know what YOU, the readers, think.  So leave a comment with your favorite Jason and perhaps your favorite Friday memories.

Keep it bloody!

NEW JASON UNMASKED!

Posted on 29th September 2008 by aaron in News - Tags: , , ,

The folks over at Horror Bid have some behind the scenes pics from the new Friday Remake that show, SPOILER, KIND OF, an UNMASKED JASON VOORHEES! The pics are kind of blurry though, so it’s kind of hard to make out the disfigurement.  It almost looks like they came close to recreating Savini’s fantastic work on Friday 4…close…but different.  Check ’em out and visit Horror Bid for more Behind The Scenes pics from the Friday Remake Set!




Sad to say, I’m actually kind of looking forward to this flick.  I’ll be going in with low expectations like I do with all remakes, but I may end up blown away like I did with the DAWN REMAKE, which it was actually pretty damn good.  We’ll see…

More Friday The 13th Remake News

Posted on 28th July 2008 by aaron in News - Tags: , , , , ,

Over on Youtube (for now anyway), you can find a clip from the upcoming Friday The 13th Remake.  Or, you could check it out below:

Um…did I just see Jason Voorhees run?!?!  Bullshit!  Goddamnit, this movie is going to suck sweaty donkey dong!  Sigh.  Well, for anyone who’s interested, here’s a sneak pic of the teaser poster (snapped by Bloody Disgusting at SDCC):