Directed By: Michael Laughlin
Written By: Bill Condon & Michael Laughlin
aka: Dead Kids
Ok, this flick apparently (according to the almighty internets) has something of a cult following. I don’t know why. This was one of the biggest snoozefests I’ve seen in a while, and I just watched SYNGENOR. I took a shit-ton of notes (kind of like a play by play) while watching this thing and found THAT more entertaining.
Here’s the reader’s digest version. Weird Shit is going on in this lab at the college. To get a little extra money, this guy Pete is told by his pal Oliver that he can subject himself to a couple of experiments at $100 a day. Ok, college kids do stuff like that all the time for extra money, right? Uh…right? Anyway, so there’s this whole convoluted backstory about a Doctor LeSage and behavioral-mind-altering-weird-as-fuck-shit going on before Pete was born and now the lab is under the microscope *ahem* again as kids start turning up dead in this small, sleepy, murder-less town. Pete’s dad is the Chief of Police by the way and he has a certain personal history with LeSage possibly being responsible for his wife’s death and all, but LeSage is dead, right, so what’s going on?
Ok, this movie sucked ass. It was boring, the gore was almost non-extant, we get to see man-ass in the first few minutes of the thing (with no boobs to balance out this horrid equation), and the story was just, meh. There were some definite Lynchian-wannabe efforts made here with some weird scenery and dialogue. I think the one scene that really held my interest was when we found this 11 year old kid getting hacked up by some fat chick.
There were some interesting parts here and there, but, I mean, oh fuck I just realized I’m never getting that time of my life back. MotherFUCK! This movie is the perfect thing if you have insomnia. Very light on gore, story, entertainment value, it’s just sort of…blah, just sort of…there. That’s the best thing I can say about this movie, it’s just sort of…there, with no real purpose or reason for being.
The DVD was light on features, some trailers and stills and filmmaker bios (if I remember right), but that’s about it, no commentary or anything so fairly bare-bones, not that I’d really invest much into super-special-featurettes territory either for this one. Blah. The transfer’s fairly nice though, so if you ARE a fan and have an old VHS copy hangin’ about, it’s a worthy upgrade.
If you’re looking for something worth a damn, look elsewhere. Check out the trailer below and you can have a gander at my notes after the break.
(music by TANGERINE DREAM?)
Flick opens with some kid smokin’ while mom’s away. Mayor’s kid. Power goes out, he goes downstairs, lights a candle, walks around, starts making shadow animals and we see a shadow figure kills him. Some weird guy blows out the candle.
Then we open on some kid gettin’ shoved awake. And THEN we have to be subjected to his ass and his dad’s in the same room and doesn’t think it’s weird his kid’s wanderin’ around naked.
Drive around town, small town, all-american blaggidy blah.
These guys are in high school? They’re like 30. Two main characters so far, Oliver and some other guy Pete Brady, John Brady’s his dad, who wants to get in a local college, GALESBURG. They sit in on some weird-ass class where the professor is dead and his lectures were filmed and he’s still teaching class. Fucking weird.
Ha, funny line, “Lucy Brown Gets Around.” “She’s only 13 for Christ’s sake.” The two boys go to some costume party. Fucking weird. “There are some very strange looking people at this party.” What the fuck, these people are the weirdest fuckers ever, must be Canadian. There’s some odd dance montage to some stupid song. Some guy in a Tor Johnson lookin’ mask kills lardass Waldo who was tryin’ to make the moves with ‘ol Lucy Brown. Tor Johnson chases after her and stabs her leg, she falls in a pool and Tor’s about to knife her, but she’s rescued. Then we find out OH SHIT, IT’S OLIVER!!!! OMGZ!!!
But he doesn’t remember a thing about last night.
Then Pete goes to the lab.He’s goin to the lab to do some clinical shite so he can get some green to apply to GALESBURG college (henceforth, GAYSBURG). Then there’s this haunting image of what looks like a human scarecrow out in a field, eyes cut out or something. Weird.
PRL-B58, a drug to make you smarter, first pill for Pete. Ah, Brian was the human scarecrow/mayor’s kid. Pete’s dad’s the Sheriff. Seems like all the chicks in the lab smoke.
This flick is both weird and boring. Don May Jr. must HATE me. Pete asks out the lab receptionist. Blah Blah. Receptionist chick takes him back to her place.
Chicago Homicide Detective Shea shows up. He tells a fun story about a house full of nurses, 9 of ’em, different body parts in different rooms. “One guy did ’em all, he’s back out on the street now.”
Trying to stay interested. A lot of Coke product placement.
Some old lady comes into some house callin’ for some kid called Timothy who’s not in his room. Why the fuck is she in his house. OH FUCK, kid cut his own hand off, or his hand was CUT off or something. 11 y/o kid supposedly. Oh, ok, we find some fat chick hackin’ off his other hand. Think she was eatin’ him. I think this fat chick was at the lab earlier. Fat bitch stabs the old lady in the back and then cuts her throat.
Back at the lab, crazy ILSA lab bitch was about to stab ‘ol Pete in the eye with a huge-ass needle when chief, papa Brady shows up at the lab, asking about crazy fat bitches. The old lady got a call out before she croaked. Pete’s screamin, but he’s in a soundproof room. Receptionist chick almost finds him, but Crazy Lab Bitch gets there first and shoves the huge fucking needle into Pete’s eye and injects some kinda re-animator-green goop in.
Chief Brady visit’s his dead wife in the cemetery, old ass cemetery. Meh. Pete wakes up. Looks like the goop is there to condition Pete to kill his pops…BUT WHERE!?!?!?! Some ‘ol cougar’s after Pete’s dad, too. There’s some backstory about the head of that lab, LeSage. Apparently he’s some evil mad doctor. OOOOO, we see an early Steak ‘n Shake. Cool pink neon fags! Oh FUCK, Pet’s pissin’ blood, and messily too, all over the toilet ‘n shit, blah, THIS is why I hate public restrooms.
Soooooo, Cheif Brady’s breakin’ into LeSage’s crypt. Weirder and weirder. He opens the coffin and…two leg bones, that’s it. Uh….ok. Well, it seems that Cheif Brady’s wife worked with LeSage…back in the day, all the whispers started about all the weird experiments up there at the college. The wife decided to quit, and so one night she didn’t come home. Chief Brady found her over her desk, gasping. She died, supposedly of asthma. Anyway, Chief Brady always blamed LeSage. Now he’s armed to the teeth and ready to kick some ass. What’s funny is, he put some old man glasses on before doing so. Some real ass kicker old man glasses. What the fuck? Not sunglasses, but like, huge-ass Tortoise Shell glasses.
Pete goes after his dad but not under his own control. They’re at the lab and it’s Chief Brady and Pete and the Ilsa Lab Bitch on a television monitor telling Pete to take his dad’s guns away and strap him into this chair. He’s like a zombie. Then we meet LeSage. The good doctor’s still alive. He’s one creepy fuck in a wheelchair. He’s still alive and working on behavioral studies. He makes Pete slit his wrists in front of his dad. Then he tells him to kill his father. Oh this guy is awesome, hand wringing and all, but Pete stabs the old doctor to death instead. THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE. Heh. The lab bitch tries to get away but is caught by the cops.
Ok, and now we have a useless ending where Chief Brady marries the old cougar. Oliver by the way is never punished for slicin’ and dicin’ Fat old Waldo.