REVIEW: FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

Posted on 16th February 2009 by aaron in News,Reviews - Tags: , , , , ,

WHAT THE FUCK?

This movie was worse than Rob Zombie’s Halloween Remake.  This was ALMOST as bad as Stockholm Syndrome.  This movie is the biggest fuck up of all time.  Seriously.  WHAT….THE….FUCK.

Ok, ok, let me start over.  I went into this movie with an amazing amount of excitement.  From everything that came out before the movie hit theaters, I was stoked as hell.  Then I went to see it.  This movie is nothing like a Friday movie except that Jason is in it, but he’s not the Jason we all know and love.  He’s not your mindless, badass killing machine.  He’s this plotting, planning, tunnel living guy.  He sets up all of these traps which Jason NEVER did and, I don’t know man, I just don’t know how to go about describing this.  It’s not even a remake.  It’s more of another sequel, but a bad one, worse than Jason X.  There are no creative kills.  There IS a metric shit ton of nudity, so it had that going for it, but it didn’t really add anything to the franchise.  It was boring and meaningless.  It seemed like they TRIED to have a story going with Jared Padalecki trying to find his sister who was on some trip out in the woods to find weed when Jason struck and took out all of the teens, or college age kids or whatever.  He killed all of them EXCEPT for Padalecki’s sister.  Why?  What was the point other than a happy ending for the Padalecki character.

You hardly ever saw Jason in fact.  What the fuck was with that.  Any time you saw him, he was on screen for about 3 seconds and then we have to deal with a bunch of shit dialogue from characters we never empathize with.  We can’t even empathize with the protagonist (Padalecki) because, well, he was just as one dimensional as all the others.  It seemed almost as though this movie was put together in a rushed three day weekend.  Seriously.  I cannot rail against this movie hard enough.  I can’t believe I wasted money to see it.  It was just another forgettable slasher that doesn’t do any kind of justice for the character of Jason Voorhees or the series in general.  Avoid seeing this one unless you have a gun to your head.

Awful.  Just…just awful.

ZERO SKULLS.  THIS FLICK IS D.O.A.

POSTSCRIPT:
It would be nice, seriously, if Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay, Marcus Nispel and Brad Fuller just started selling used cars or something instead of making movies.  Talentless fucks, all of them.

1 Comment »

  1. […] of the film being devoted to the new “re-imagining” of Friday the 13th (see review HERE).  I suppose it was necessary for completion’s sake, but as the film wasn’t even […]

    Pingback by Backwoods Horror » REVIEW: ‘HIS NAME WAS JASON: 30 YEARS OF FRIDAY THE 13th’ — February 18, 2009 @ 1:31 pm

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