Posted on 5th November 2008 by aaron in Reviews - Tags: , , , , ,

Ok, before I go into what I thought about this flick, I’m going to give the Reader’s Digest of the flick.  So here it is in a nutshell.  SPOILERS SPOILERS:

The movie starts off with Robert Englund (perhaps reprising his role of Tex from Tobe Hooper’s EATEN ALIVE) and Justin Long from Blair Witch Project. They’re “huntin’ gators ‘n the swarmp.” Justin Long has to take a piss and pisses off the edge of the boat and nearly gets his dick chomped off by a huge ass gator. They pull off to the edge for Justin Long to finish pissin’. Then he couldn’t hear his papa anymore, Robert Englund, then he goes to check on him and finds him ripped in half, intestines everywhere, a high point. Then Justin Long goes back into the woods to go after the gator he thinks killed his dad. There he finds only…DEATH. Victor Crowley, though in the shadows, starts to rip him apart, first he rips his arm off, then he throws him into a tree, smashing his face, then he rips his spine out, and THEN he rips him in half.

Then we have a Marilyn Manson song intro flying through and under the swamp, into the sewer, then up to the streets of Mardi Gras. Titties everywhere and people getting drunk and crazy. Then we have the introduction to the main characters. One of them, played by Joel Moore (as the character of Ben) who’s trying to get over his girlfriend of 8 years. The rest of his friends decide to stay at Mardi Gras, but his BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE Marcus, played by Deon Richmond follows him.

Ben had heard of a ghost tour from some friends of his at college and decides to check it out but Rev. Zombie (played in a Cameo by Tony Todd) doesn’t do it anymore due to some “funny” story about a lawsuit. So they go to another store and find this little asian guy with a fake ass southern accent giving ghost boat tours. In the shop we have Mercedes McNab and some other chick showin’ their tits for some guy Shapiro played by Joel Murray who has just a little miniDV camera trying to convince these two chicks they’re going to be famous. $40 bucks a pop later and they’re on a retard bus headed towards the swamp.

On the bus, Ben meets Marybeth who doesn’t want to talk while Marcus decides to hit up on one of the skanky softcore porn chicks. Ben isn’t as lucky as Marcus. Once on the boat, the fake talkin’ asian guy starts ‘er off. They’re warned by Jack Cracker (played by John Carl Buechler) not to go off into the swamp. The go in anyway and asian tour guide spouts off all these shitty ghost stories while Shapiro has the chicks showin’ their tits again. Blah Blah until they get stuck on some rocks and the boat begins to sink Wilfred Brumley lookalike Richard Riehle (playing Mr. Permatteo) decides to walk across a tree to get to shore but falls and gets chomped on the leg by a gator. The boat’s sinking and they all decide to get to shore and drag the fatass Permatteo to shore. Oh yeah, Marybeth shoots the gator and that’s why it stops.

Anyway, so they’re on shore and we find out that the asian guy isn’t really southern and that they’re at the Crowley house. Marybeth tells the story of what happened to Victor Crowley, and how he was a freak and how his dad loved him, but when some kids accidentally light the house on fire, his dad tried to break in with a hatchet, but Victor was on the other side of the door and Daddy Crowley (played by Kane Hodder) gets him in the face with the axe/hatchet.

Then Mr. and Mrs. Permatteo start limping towards the Crowley house, hoping to find help, but all they find is Victory Crowley (Kane Hodder again). Crowley is one big motherfuckin’, elephantman lookin’ guy, and he comes runnin’ out of the shack and hacks Mr. Permatteo between the neck and shoulder and keeps hackin’ away at him, blood sprayin’ everywhere. Everyone tries to run and Crowley grabs Mrs. Permatteo and rips the top of her head off, blood sprayin’ everywhere. The wigglin’ tongue was a nice touch.

So then we have characters in the woods gettin’ lost and picked off one by one. First it’s Shapiro who runs into Crowley and gets his head completely turned around and ripped off. Then the rest of the group finds themselves back at the shack again. The one dark haired softporner gets a grinder to the face here, very nice, but Crowley’s knocked off with a shovel, then they run but the asian guy gets caught by the leg and the leg gets ripped off, then he’s decapitated by shovel. Then Crowley finishes up on the dark hair with the grinder to the face. The lighting is dark, but you can see she gets fucked up pretty good. Then it’s Marcus and Ben and Marybeth. That’s because Ben is in the shack trying to find some gas when parts of Mercedes McNab parts are thrown into the shack. Ben finds the gas and they light Crowley up. Then it rains and puts the fire out and Crowley gets back up and comes after them.

They’re in a cemetery all of a sudden and Crowley’s there. Marcus gets caught and his arms get ripped off, spewing blood everywhere and then Crowley gets slammed against a tomb, more blood splattering. Ben and Marybeth run back into the woods and to Marybeth’s dad’s boat (That’s why she’s there, she was lookin’ for her dad and brother, the first two in the movie) and an iron bar pins Ben’s foot to the ground and they move it forward to impale Crowley. Then they’re on the boat and they think they’re ok and Marybeth gets dragged into the swamp, and you see a hand extend into the water and she grabs it and it turns out to be Ben’s arm, ripped off by Crowley and she screams and he’s yelling and the movie ends.

My thoughts:
This flick was stupid.  I generally like horror comedies, but this one was just done so poorly.  The humour was juvenile and retarded, something fratboys would think was funny, but then you have this interesting character in Victor Crowley and great gore gags but the Characters, aside from Marybeth, were just stupid and annoying and I couldn’t really get into the story because of them and the humour.  The dialogue was horrible, the story could’ve been good but Adam Green really dropped the ball on this one.  I appreciate the passion he had for making a good horror film, but he failed…miserably.
When I first saw the teaser “moneymaker” trailer with the shots of the swamp and the little girl narrating, I was SO excited to see this movie and I expected a serious, hardcore, balls-to-the wall scary flick and it was just this stupid buddy-comedy-esque dumbass shit and I fucking hated it.  This could’ve been such a great story and they fucked it up and I’m PISSED about it because I actually bought it thinking, hell yes, finally a great horror flick because I’d heard so many good things about it and I had that trailer in my mind and it was just, it was just fucking BULLSHIT!  I was/am SO PISSED, I cannot describe how pissed I was when first watching this flick.  So this flick gets a one skull for great gore by Beuchler’s group and a character and story that COULD’VE been good.  I don’t suggest seeing this flick unless you want to see boobies in the first half or you’re a gore fiend.  If you expect a well told story with interesting characters and depth, stay away from this one.

Oh yeah, I’ll probably also be reviewing this one on the upcoming BACKWOODS HORRORSHOW, so stay tuned…



Directed by: Jon Knautz

Trevor Matthews: Jack Brooks
Robert Englund:  Professor Crowley

…and a bunch of other bit players. Go to the imdb site if you’re THAT interested.


This flick was pretty friggin’ sweet!  For those not in the know, the story follows Jack Brooks, a guy who saw his family killed by monsters as a child and now experiences…anger issues.  He’s just your regular everyman plumber who happens to come across an ancient evil and finds a good release for his rage in the form of kicking monster ass.

Ok, so the movie starts in Africa, or Brazil, or some random, nameless backwater jungle with a bunch of villagers surrounding this cyclopse lookin’ baddie.  They’re gettin’ their asses kicked when most of them run back to camp and start yelling into this dung hut.  We get a glimpse of a guy wrapping his hands and then the ‘ol over the shoulder-eye-glimpsed-through-long-hair bit.

Fast forward.  We get a swift overview of Jack’s ‘tween years.  There’s some bit with him going to a psychologist and flippin’ out.  Then we get to see what Jack does.  The guy’s a plumber and takes night classes.  He has these fits of rage he can’t control that all stem back from when he saw his family brutally eviscerated by a monster out in the woods one night when he was a little kid.  He’s repressed it, and now he flips out.

One night after helping his teacher Professor Crowley, fix some pipes in the basement of this old house the Professor’s fixin’ up, the ground in his back yard splits, emitting an eerie light and a crazy, almost sentient fog that finds its way to the Professor, possessing the poor schmuck.  The next day he wakes up to find that he’s been diggin’ around in the dirt all night with his bare hands, so what does he do?  He grabs a shovel and finishes the job, pulling out a crate with a dead guy in it and a black heart.

Crowley snatches the heart out of the box and it starts beating.  THEN, (reminds me of JASON GOES TO HELL), the fucker EATS THE HEART.  I suppose one could argue that he’s compelled to, but you get the idea.  From then on, the good Professor “just ain’t right, eventually turning into this fat-ass demon from hell that has a shit-ton of tentacles that race after the night class students, dragging them back to the room.  If that wasn’t bad enough, he has this weird tongue thing that he/it shoves down its victim’s throats, turning THEM into monsters.  Crazy.  At first, Jack runs away, jumping in the van and haulin’ ass.  But then he hears the song “BEYOND THE SEA,” the same song that was playing when his family became dinner and he slams on the brakes, tells his bitchy-ass girlfriend to get out, and hauls ass back to the school.  Now he’s in Kickass/Ash mode.

The rest you can pretty much guess from the title.  He goes charging into the school and starts kicking hella monster ass, beating the ever lovin’ shit out of them and then smashin’ in their heads (the only way to truly kill ’em.  I won’t ruin the ending for you, but he DOES get to play tongue hockey with the hot goth-ish chick that he’d been makin’ eyes at the entire flick.

Oh yeah, and I can’t forget, there’s this old guy at the Hardware store that reminds me of old Crazy Ralph from the first two Friday flicks.  “It’s got a DEATH CURSE!!!!”  That was a hoot.

I’m not entirely sure of the back history on this flick, so I can’t tell you how much money was involved, but I doubt it was much as it seemed like an independent production, but let me tell you THIS, I couldn’t see one single bit of CG bullshittery in the entire flick.  Everything seemed to be practical makeup effects.  That just fucking rocks my socks!

There were some dialogue issues where it seemed like the actors had to sort of just force out their lines because they just sounded…odd, but for the most part, the overall story and acting were good.

My BIGGEST BEEF was that the movie seemed too short.  This movie could’ve had a hell of a lot more screen time spent developing secondary characters (hot goth-ish chick) and developing the story a little more.  Instead, the flick seemed a bit rushed, like it was supposed to be a TV pilot or something.  More Jack Brooks wouldn’t be a bad thing, boils ‘n ghouls, and it seems that there are rumors floating about for a JACK BROOKS 2 (Electric Boogaloo…heh).

So, overall? Kickass little indy flick.  I’m glad it got some distribution and it’s refreshing to have something original like this to watch as opposed to the remake hell hollywood seems to be putting us through.  You want good movies?  Watch the indy scene.  Check this one out!



Got a sneak peak of the new 11th anniversary Halloween edition of Rue Morgue magazine.  This from the Rue Morgue forums, check it out:

When Famous Monsters of Filmland hit newsstands in 1958, it united an entire generation of creature-loving children and sparked genre fan culture. No one anticipated the effect it would have on some of those “Monster Kids,” who would go on to become genre legends. This Halloween, Rue Morgue celebrates the 50th anniversary of the magazine that started it all via a conversation with founding editor Forrest J Ackerman. Featuring words with and by filmmakers John Landis and Joe Dante, rock legend Gene Simmons, legendary cover artist Basil Gogos, SFX Wizard Rob Bottin, and more. Plus! Director Tim Sullivan takes us on a guided tour of the Ackermansion in its heyday, and much more!
by Paul Corupe, Gene Simmons, Jovanka Vuckovic, Joe Moe, Tim Sullivan, Forrest J Ackerman, Dave Alexander and Rob Bottin

A comprehensive list of vital cinematic atrocities every hardcore horror fan needs to see. Bring on the blood!
by The Gore-met


American Baroque painter Michael Hussar reveals the very personal meaning behind his perverse and morbid body of work.
by Jovanka Vuckovic

Once a year The Simpsons is taken over by The Treehouse of Horror Halloween special. Time to take stock of nearly two decades of hilariously blood-curdling cartoons.
by Philip Brown


Gather ’round the wireless and set your transistors for terror as Rue Morgue explores the sinister chills and thrills of yesteryear’s audio plays.
by Richard Gavin

Pics from our 5th annual horror convention.
Photos by Ashlea Wessel and Ian Goring

Gory new video game Dead Space launches the survival horror genre deep into outer space. Plus: Downfall, the animated prequel.
by Monica S. Kuebler

The Creepshow, Canada’s horrorbilly sensation returns with an album warning you to Run for Your Life.
by Trevor Tuminski


Everyone’s favourite cenobite tackles Lovecraft in a new type of audio book.
by James Grainger

Famous Monsters of Filmland.

Toronto After Dark Film Festival continues growth for year three, Fright Channel to relaunch online, Teen filmmaker preps second horror feature.


Weird stats and morbid facts. Sick Top Six Instances of Torturous Transformations.

Halloween Living Dead Dolls, Thanksgiving T-shirt, Royal Mail Classic Hammer Stamps, Toilet Ink.

CineMacabre presents features on Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, Lovecraft: Fear of the Unknown and Wicked Lake. Abbreviated Terrors reviews 2007 Toronto After Dark Film Festival short film highlights. Plus! Reviews of Stuck, Death Race, Mirrors, Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead, End of the Line, Shutter, Resurrection Mary, Rest Stop: Don’t Look Back, Dark Honeymoon, Triloquist, Steel Trap, Wide Awake and Trapped Ashes. Last Rites reviews The Raven, Kaw and Birds of Prey. Reissues presents features on Pieces, Fox Horror Classics Collection Volume 2 and Friday the 13th: The Series. Plus! Reviews of Child’s Play (1988), Barracuda (1978)/Island Fury (1989), Man of a Thousand Faces (1957), Psycho Kickboxer (1997), Swamp Thing The Series Volume 2 (1992-1993), The X-Files: Revelations (1993-1999), The Unseen (1981) and Virgin Witch (1972).

The Portrait of Dorian Gray (1945).


Spotlight: Invasion of the Blood Farmers.

Steve Niles on Gotham after Midnight. Plus reviews of Almighty, City of Dust #1 (of 5), The Nightmare Factory Volume 2, Zombie Tales #4.


Spotlight: Matthew Warner’s Horror isn’t a 4-Letter Word. Plus, reviews of A Hallowe’en Anthology: Literary and Historical Writings over the Centuries, The Alfred Hitchcock Story, The Book of Lists: Horror, Joe R. Lansdale’s Leather Maiden, Ryan Mecum’s Zombie Haiku, Ramsey Campbell’s The Grin of the Dark, and Bill Hussey’s Through A Glass Darkly.

Halloween in Sin City.


Menu: Faces of Death.

Spotlight: Son of Sam. Plus! Reviews of Hellboy 2: The Golden Army OST, The Midnight Meat Train OST, The X-Files: I Want To Believe OST, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor OST, Shutter OST, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Score, Midnight Syndicate, The Rotted, In a World…, Chris Alexander & Carrie Eliza, Displacer, Diemonsterdie, The Night Shift, Brother Von Doom, Ghosts Run Wild, Captain A-Hole a.k.a. Yogi, Leather Wolf, and more!

Zombies!!! 7: Send in the Clowns!, Magic: The Gathering – Planeswalker, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.


10 new subscribers will win the Halloween: 30th Anniversary Commemorative Set on DVD, from Anchor Bay/Starz.

Hot dam that sounds like it’s gonna be one hell of an issue.  For those of you STILL not initiated, get yer arses over to Rue Morgue’s official site and subscribe…or go out and buy a copy.  Best damn horror mag out there.  And check out that Basil Gogos cover.  Fuckin’ A man!

Review: SAVAGE STREETS(1984)

Posted on 10th August 2008 by aaron in Reviews - Tags: , ,

They Raped Her Sister…And Killed Her Best Friend…An Eye For An Eye

I’m not sure where to begin.  For a while now, I’d been hearing about this flick from the boys over at Deadpit for months now so when I saw it down at VSI, I just had to pick it up.  I mean, Linda Blair (The Exorcist, Chained Heat), how can you go wrong, right?  I wasn’t disappointed.  This flick had it all: Violence, Babes, and Bad Guys.

The movie starts by introducing us to two gangs, the not-so-violent Satins (Linda Blair, Linnea Quigley, Lisa Freeman, and some other bit players), and the more-violent-than-the-Satins Scars, a bunch of regular, convertible driving, leather jacket wearing assholes.  While the Satins are walking around in the city for a ladies night out in the town Brenda’s (Blair) deaf and mute sister Heather (Quigley) wanders out in front of a ’57 Chevy, unable to hear that it’s coming. (In response to Horror Yearbook’s Molly Celaschi, what it means when they say Heather is a deaf-mute is that she’s both deaf and mute, a real shitty combo if you ask me.) Brenda pulls her sister out of the way before the unswerving Chevy mows her down.  As the car skids to a halt, Brenda notices the occupants as a rival gang, The Scars.  Looking like a bunch of leather-clad dumbasses, we’re introduced to Fargo, Jake (the leader), Red, and Vince (the pussy of the bunch).  Jake asks if Brenda wants to go have a good time and Brenda more or less tells him to go fuck himself.

Later, while The Scars are beating the shit out of some d-bag, the ladies find their car unattended and decide to take it for a little joy ride (caaaaandyyyyycaaaaannnne, wait, wrong joy ride), leaving it smashed into a dumpster with a fuckload of trash inside it.  Needless to say, the boys are pissed.  Later, while showing up at The Satin’s school to beat the shit out of that d-bag again, Red happens to spot Heather and convinces the boys that it’s time for a little payback.  Red starts talking all nice to Heather, really layin’ on the smooze.  While this is going on, we get a good ‘ol “girl’s shower/locker room scene” with boobies flyin’ everywhere while Brenda and some slutty chearleader start bitching back and forth at each other.  Meanwhile, back in the gym, Red tries to lay the moves on Heather, but Heather tries to get away, only to find her way blocked from all sides by the rest of the Scars.  They drag her into the bathroom and then the movie get’s REALLY fucked up.

Ok, so, let me preface this with the fact that this is Linnea Quigley pre-boobjob so when the boys rip her clothes off and go to town on her, it really looks like they’re going to town on a little girl.  FUCKED UP.  What makes it BACKWOODS HORROR FUCKED UP is that while all this is going on, a crazy girlfight starts happening in that boobalicious locker room.  I mean, what exactly were the filmmakers trying to go for here?  One second, hot steamy girlfight, the next, a rape scene that wants to make you puke; WHAT THE FUCK!?  Once the boys are done, Jake kicks Heather in the head so hard it knocks her into next week; the girl’s comatose.  The Satins, finally noticing that Heather’s not around decide to look for her and find her sprawled out naked and bloody on the bathroom floor.

The next entanglement occurs at the local watering hole which confuses the hell out of me because it doesn’t look like these “highschoolers” are drinkin’ RC Colas.  They’re dancing around and having a good time when, of course, the asshole Scars have to come in.  On the way back from the ladies room, Francine (Freeman), one of the Satins, gets grabbed by Jake who proceeds to start feeling her up and tossing her back and forth to one of the other gangmembers like a hot potato.  Some guys rush to her rescue but get their asses kicked and Jake turns around only to find that Francine has pulled a knife and slashes the shit out of his face (actually, it’s just a little cut, but from the way he whines and moans, you’d think she cut his face off).

Well, this doesn’t go over so well with the Scar boys.  Now they’re out for blood.  One afternoon, while Francine is walking home, alone, the Scars catch up with her and start to chase her down.  She makes her way to the top of a bridge, but she’s cut off by that ’57 Chevy and the guys on foot.  Well, Jake just goes fucking apeshit and picks her up, holding her out over the edge of the bridge.  Vince has been having some morality issues and freaking out ever since the rape incident with Heather and he pleads with Jake to stop.  To no avail as Jake, crazed look on his face, tosses her off the side of the bridge, killing her as she splatters all over the pavement below.  Vince flips out and takes off.

Vince finds his way to the hospital where Heather is staying and makes his way into her room.  He starts laying off the waterworks, talking about how it wasn’t his fault, how Jake made him do it, etc. etc., and he would’ve continued being a wuss except that he’s interrupted by Brenda.  Brenda slaps him around to try and get some information out of him, but doesn’t get too much other than he was involved.  Later she makes her way to his house, tricking his father by saying she’s there to do a school project with him.  Once upstairs though, she pulls a knife and threatens to cut him wide open if he doesn’t spill the beans, which, he does, of course, because he’s a pussy.

Then things REALLY get good.  Brenda decides that to best act out her revenge, she’ll need to wear a black, skintight outfit zipped only halfway up, for ventilation, I’m sure.  I’m not going to spoil how she goes about getting her revenge, but needless to say, she does kick a decent bit of ass while delivering the B-movie standard quotient of bad one-liners.

The Deadpit boys didn’t let me down.  This really was a fun movie to watch (except the rape bits, that was just…jeeez).  There was plenty of action, plenty of violence, and plenty of boobs.  The gore was a little on the low side with not enough of the red stuff for my taste, but for an action/rape/revenge flick, SAVAGE STREETS did a pretty good job.  There are some plot holes and subplots that never go anywhere, but if you’re like me, you’re not watching this movie for its brilliant writing.  It makes no qualms about what it is.  I’d definitely say go check it out!  A new 2-disc collectors DVD is going to be coming out September 23rd, so save your pennies kiddos and mark your calendars, because this is definitely on my list of recommended viewing (if only for the fact you get to see Linda Blairs bodacious boobs in a gratuitous bathtub sequence).  Check it out.

Linda Blair Tub Scene After The Break…

Review: Creature From Black Lake (1976)

Posted on 7th July 2008 by aaron in Reviews - Tags: , ,

During the 70’s, after the release of Legend Of Boggy Creek, we found ourselves with a burgeoning sub-genre that continues today (note the many Lance Henrickson sasquatch/bigfoot movies).  I have to admit that I’m a sucker for these, particularly the older ones.  The first horror movie I can remember watching was Night Of The Demon (1980), a movie which, at the time, scared the ever-lovin’ shit out of me and, at the same time, sparked my interest in both the bigfoot horror sub-genre and horror in general.

Creature From Black Lake finds itself sitting firmly within the bigfoot sub-genre of horror.  The movie begins as we follow two trappers (including Jack Elam, playing Joe Canton “The Trapper!”) as they go around checking their traps and finding that something’s been cleanin’ ’em out.  Intertwined with this, we are also privy to an anthropology class where the professor is talking about Bigfoot (covered extensively in Anthro 101, obviously).  Just as the professor talks about no one ever being harmed by a sasquatch, one of the trappers is dragged into the bayou, never to be seen again.

After that, the plot follows two anthropology students (Dennis Fimple as Pahoo, and John David Carson as Rives) as they travel south (to Oil City, Louisiana) to find evidence of “a bipedal primate…it’s a scientific term.”  They don’t really get much in the way of help in town and are told to leave by Sheriff Billy Carter (played by Bill Thurman).  One of the townsfolk, Orville (Jim McCullough Jr. who also wrote the screenplay), however decides to run after them as they’re leaving and, catching a ride home, tells them his story of how the creature inadvertently caused the deaths of his parents. 

There’s an encounter at Orville’s farm, followed by some more time spent in town, meeting a couple of love interests (one of them being the sheriff’s daughter), followed by them getting arrested, and then we get to the exciting finale/standoff where Pahoo and Rives face off against the Creature From Black Lake.  I won’t ruin how it ends for those of you out there who haven’t seen it and suddenly find yourselves in the mood to watch it. 

What can I say about this flick.  It definitely rips bits and pieces from Legend of Boggy Creek.  They even got the same guy to do the music.  Unless you’re into the Bigfoot-run-amok movies, it might not be your cup of ‘shine.  I kind of like the whole “laid back” nature of it, and I love how the DVD isn’t crisp and clear.  We get the lines and pops that came off the print they dug up for it.  I suppose they cleaned it up about the best they could, but, I mean, it’s not Star Wars, so I doubt they spent a ton of money getting it as clean as they could.  Overall though, the picture and sound quality is ok.  I like the washed out look of everything.  It just SCREAMS 70’s, which I find perfectly swell.  There’s not much in the way of gore or nudity, but plenty in the way of bell bottom jeans, boots, and 70’s nostalgia.  It’s definitely one to add to the collection if the bigfoot horror sub-genre is your thing.  If it’s not, this more than likely just won’t cut it.  I’d say check it out at least once though.  It’s particularly good after you’ve tossed back a few.  Hell, now I need to make a Creature From Black Lake drinking game.  I seriously need to get some sort of rating system.  In the meantime, I’ll give Creature From Black Lake a 7 out of 10.  Check it out…if you DARE!