Backwoods Horror

Hey, ok, so it might be a bit of a cheat reviewing both films hack to back, but I watched ‘em together, so I’m gonna review ‘em together.  If there’s a problem, get yer own damn website! Alrighty, let’s get started. (OH, and there are going to be spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the films, go out and buy ‘em *the new Paramount Releases are the best to go with, or the Box Set if you can get your hands on it, I’m reviewing the new PARAMOUNT DVD’s here* or rent ‘em, but for fucksake, WATCH ‘EM!)

FRIDAY 2

Possibly one of my all-time favorites of the franchise, Friday 2 introduces us to Jason Fucking Voorhees, the most Iconic slasher in horror fuckin’ history, sans hockey mask.  Nope, this flick has Jason wearing, as Deadpit puts it, the ” ‘Tater Sack “.  That’s right, our boy Voorhees runs around with a pillowcase over his head with one eyehole to see the lambs to the slaughter.  Another variant is that, at least on half of his head, the guy has HAIR…and a frickin’ Beard!  So aside from Part 7, this is my favorite incarnation of Jason.  Why, might you ask, is Jason so Jeremiah Johnson?  Well, turns out Jason DIDN’T drown all those years ago, but instead of findin’ momma right after, he wandered out of the lake and was raised by wolves or something to become THE WILD MAN OF CRYSTAL LAKE!  Of course, no one calls him that, but it’s a good name.  Same set up in a way, 20-somethings are setting up a camp on the other side of the lake from CAMP (BLOOD) CRYSTAL LAKE.  All the standard character set-pieces are there, The Horny Kids, The Nerdy Goof, Miss Virginal Final Girl, etc. etc.

It seems that Jason saw his mother get the chop and in a weird sort of beginning, Alice from the original flick is in the beginning of this one…for about three seconds before ‘ol Jay Jay puts an Ice Pick through her skull.  TAKE THAT, FINAL GIRL!!  I’m still not sure how that happened though.  I doubt Alice stuck around Crystal Lake after all her friends were brutally massacred (massacreed) by Momma Voorhees, so…did Jason take a bus?  Look Alice’s more than likely UNLISTED number up in the yellow pages (Jason lets his fingers to the choppin’), or what?  Who knows, who cares.  Moving on, we are slowly introduced to our characters, and the filmmakers really did a decent job of this as you’ll find yourself actually CARING about the characters somewhat in this one.  Some musings occur as to whether or not Jason’s still out there in the woods somewhere, musings that are quickly answered as the new counselors go down one by one.

So what’d I think of the movie and the new DVD?  Well, as I said, I’m actually a big fan of this one.  Jason runnin’ aound all “spooky backwoods horror style” rippin’ off THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN while he’s at it (he must be a Huge Chuck Pierce fan because he has the Boggy Creek Fouke monster and The Town That Dreaded Sundown DOWN PAT in this flick)…it’s just divine.  The counselor characters are setup really well actually (something that starts to take a downturn with part 3), and the story is fairly solid (minus the weird-ass opening, but hey, that Alice bitch had it comin’).  Part 2 is one of the better flicks in the series.  As far as the DVD goes.  No HD transfer that I could tell in this one, a real shame actually, and the special features are somewhat Ho-Hum.  I’d say go pick this one up if you don’t already have the box set as it is a MUST for the franchise,

SPECIAL FEATURES:

FRIDAY 3

HOT DAMN! I said when I first got this one in the mail…3-fuckin’-D!!!  That’s right boils ‘n ghouls, Paramount released (as you probably already know) their new Friday 3 dvd with the original 3-D (and regular) picture.  Fantastic…unless, like me, you wear glasses.  I couldn’t figure out what the fuck to do with myself.  In front of the glasses didn’t work, behind the glasses didn’t work, I had to go put contacts in to watch the fucker.  I suppose it’s impossible, but I would’ve loved a digital 3-D transfer instead of the old red ‘n blue, but hell, beggars ‘n choosers and all that shit, right?

Briefly, Friday the 13th Part 3-D has the same formula as every other Friday for the most part, but there are some weird oddities.  The first weird ass oddity is that I have no fucking Idea where this thing’s supposed to take place.  I guess it’s Crystal Lake…somewhere nearby maybe?  I have no idea.  These friends, including the infamous Larry Zerner as Shelly(the nerdy prankster), some pot heads, another guy, a pregnant chick, and some chick Shelly’s supposed to hook up with all take the mystery machine up to that weird place somewhere near Crystal Lake, a farm…sort of…with no animals, just a barn and a farmhand that doesn’t really do anything I guess, for a weekend of relaxation, sex, and weed.  There’s an emotional connection between the final girl and the farmhand and there’s also some kind of weird backstory about how the final girl saw Jason a little while back, running through the woods, clumsily trying to attack her.  One by one, the weekend crew gets the axe (along with a biker gang).

So, ok, no camp in this one, but bonus points for the FIRST EVER APPEARANCE OF HOCKEY MASK JASON!  The story was a little too all over the place to the point where I didn’t give a shit about the characters (but, I mean, no one watches a Friday flick for any character other than Jason, right?), and it all seemed a bit jumbled.  In regards to the 3-D aspect.  There were a few scenes of Jason’s implements of destruction poppin’ out atcha, but a LOT of the 3-D stuff was like, fuckin’ yo-yo’s and poles and baseball bats and shit.  What the fuck is that?  Also, negative points for me having to figure out how to even WATCH the fucker in 3-D with my vision impairment.  Thank god they left the non 3-D version on the disc.  The 3-D version of the film, along with a trailer are the only special features.  Uh…what happened to the commentary track. I seem to remember there being one on my box-set edition.  All and all, hell yes I’d say go grab this one up in stores!  I mean, fuck, it’s Friday 3 in 3D!!!  FINALLY!!!  Check it out!  For all its shortcomings, it’s still worth the bucks for the Hockey Mask appearance, some decent kills, and 3D! By the way, the disc includes two pairs of “hockey mask 3D glasses.”

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What can I say to best review this version of Friday The 13th?  If you haven’t seen it, I suppose I’ll start out with a brief synopsis (though, seriously, why haven’t you seen it).

A group of camp counselors are fixing up Camp Crystal lake (also known as Camp Blood, because, well, it has “a DEATH CURSE” with a drowned boy and murdered counselors).  With a plan to fix it up for inner-city kids to have a place to go and get away from their troubles and learn skills to help them later in life…like…well…basket weaving.  Almost immediately, however, the counselors start dropping like flies in a very giallo-like murderous spree.  Keep your bloody eyeballs peeled for an early appearance from a grass smokin’ Kevin Bacon.

SPOILERS:

Ok, it’s the mother of the drowned boy Jason Voorhees, PAMELA VOORHEES, killing everyone.  That’s right, an old lady.  Young, youthful, strong 20-somethings are being picked off by an old lady.  Alright, getting PAST that little bit of weirdness though, this flick is REALLY something you must see.  It truly has attained a place in the pantheon of Horror greatness.  Friday the 13th was one of the first horror films I ever saw and it was one of my first forays into the world of gore (thanks to Tom Savini’s fantastic effects).  It scared the shit out of me.

This film has been criticized over the years for being something of a “paint by numbers” sort of horror film and considered a rip-off of Halloween, and to a degree, this is true.  But what Victor Miller and Sean Cunningham did was take that formula and run with it.  I’d say, moreso than Halloween, Friday the 13th defined the slasher genre.  A group of teens/20-somethings in an isolated area being picked off.  Perfect.

So what’s special about the new edition?  I didn’t get the blu-ray as I don’t have a blu-ray player, but I can definitely say that the new transfer for this edition is fucking fantastic.  I watched a bit of the box-set edition of the first Friday before I watched this new one and you can really see the attention the producers (Paramount?) paid to the new transfer.  The picture is CLEAN AS FUCK and when I get a blu-ray player, I’ll definitely be picking this one up.  I have yet to see a difference like this in transfer from one edition to another that is just so clearly BETTER, even on DVD.

The DVD also has a new slew of special features that are totally worth picking up the new disc for (some old ones too), but I stand by picking it up for the new transfer alone.  It’s beautiful.  Even if you already have the first Friday th 13th, go out and pick up this edition (especially if you can get it on Blu-Ray).  It is THE definitive edition of the film.

Four out of Five skulls

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Ok, so, this is my first ever video review, so be kind.  I’m tired as hell and I’m not entirely iMovie literate, but I think I caught the basics.  Just watched a VHS of THE CRAZIES, so here’s the review.  Oh, that reminds me.  The place where I get 5 old VHS horror flicks for $5 for 5 days, VSI, is shutting its doors.  MOTHER…FUCK!  So I’ll probably take a camera in there, get some vid, and sort of memorialize the closing of the last mom ‘n pop video store I know of around here.  Goddamnit!  On with the review!

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HIS NAME WAS JASON: 30 YEARS OF FRIDAY THE 13th
Directed By: Daniel Farrands
Writers: Thommy Hutson, and Anthony Masi (Though, it’s a documentary, so…writers??)
Cast: Just About Everyone EVER In Every Friday The 13th Flick

A Synopsis From The ANCHOR BAY Press Release:

He first became known to audiences on May 9, 1980. Over the course of nearly three decades and eleven films (soon to be twelve with next year’s remake), he has inspired terror in the hearts of film fans the world over. He redefined the concept of immortality and invincibility. He gave horror a new face…by not having one. His name is Jason Voorhees and this is his story.

His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th, the ultimate tribute documentary about one of horror cinema’s most enduring icons, has been acquired by Anchor Bay Entertainment, the leading horror programmer, for North American DVD distribution. It will be released as a “splatter edition” DVD on February 3, 2009. Then, on February 13th, 2009, Starz will host the broadcast premiere of the documentary – in celebration of the infamous date and its most famous posterboy. In addition, the documentary will have its World Premiere Friday, November 14 at the 31st Starz Denver Festival during The Watching Hour, the festival’s midnight film series. Ari Lehman, the “first” Jason and other special guests will be in attendance.

Produced by Anthony Masi (Halloween 25 Years of Terror, The Psycho Legacy) and Thommy Hutson (Prank) and directed by Dan Farrands (The Girl Next Door, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers), In addition to the full-length documentary, the DVD is anticipated to contain over four hours of bonus features, including additional interviews, behind-the-scenes footage and more.

Hosted by legendary special effects make-up artist Tom Savini – whose (literally) eye-popping prosthetics were featured in such gorefest classics as 1979’s Dawn of the Dead, Creepshow, Maniac, and the original Friday the 13th – His Name Was Jason is the definitive look at the history and cultural legacy of this 20th Century boogeyman. Extensive interviews were conducted with over eighty people involved throughout the entire Friday the 13th franchise, as well as filmmaker and fan testimonials.

Jason fans who watch His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th will be treated to reminiscences and ruminations spanning Jason’s entire film history, as well as a virtual “who’s who” of contemporary film horror, including:

Actors: Betsy Palmer (1), Adrienne King (1 and Part 2), Larry Zerner (Part 3-D), Bonnie Hellman and Judie Aronson (The Final Chapter), Shavar Ross and Debi Sue Voorhees (A New Beginning), Darcy DeMoss and Vincent Gustaferro (Part VI), Lar Park-Lincoln, Elizabeth Kaitan and Diana Barrows (Part VII), Peter Mark Richman and Jensen Daggett (Part VIII), Lawrence Monoson and Camilla More (The Final Friday), Lisa Ryder (Jason X), Seth Green and Travis Van Winkle (2009 remake);

Jason Voorhees portrayers: Ari Lehman (1), Warrington Gillette (Part 2), Richard Brooker (Part 3-D), Ted White (Final Chapter), C.J. Graham (Part VI), and Kane Hodder (Part VII, Part VIII, The Final Friday, Jason X);

Filmmakers: Sean S. Cunningham (Director, 1), Victor Miller (Writer, 1) Danny Steinmann (Writer/Director, A New Beginning), Tom McLoughlin (Writer/Director, Part VI), John Carl Buechler (Director/Special Makeup Effects, Part VII), Joseph Zito (Director, The Final Friday), Greg Nicotero (Special Makeup Effects, The Final Friday), Marcus Nispel (Director, 2009 remake), and Composer Harry Manfredini, creator of Jason’s signature musical cue “Sh-sh-sh-sh, ha-ha-ha-ha.”

This documentary (in an UBER-DELUXE 2-Disc Set, by the by) is an absolute MUST for Friday the 13th completists.  While watching HIS NAME WAS JASON, I couldn’t help but think that this is the sort of thing that should’ve been included with the Friday box set Paramount put out back in ’04 and should DEFINITELY be included with the upcoming Blu-Ray box set Paramount’s releasing (if it can be finagled with Anchor Bay).  Any true fan of the series will not be learning anything new here as the writers, directors, and stars remenisce about the good ‘ol days of making the Friday films.

If you’ve never seen any of the Friday films or are just getting into the series, HIS NAME WAS JASON serves as an excellent primer for the series and will definitely get you pumped about seeing the films.  Tom Savini hams it up as only Tom Savini can do as the Hostest with the Mostest in a semi-wraparound bit that also features a girl running around screaming and, at one vital point, boobies.  BOOBIES!!!!

Really, this flick is much like the HALLOWEEN: 25 YEARS OF TERROR Doc that came out a couple of years back.  In fact, I believe some of the same parties are involved in this as well.  The doc could’ve had a few more people involved to make it fully all-inclusive (NO CRISPIN GLOVER?), but overall, the filmmakers did a pretty damn good job of gathering the majority of everyone who ever had a hand in the making of the legend of Jason Voorhees and Friday the 13th to talk about their memories and experiences.

I could’ve done without a few of the talking heads who had nothing to do with the films.  I can understand it to a degree, getting “famous fans” to talk about their favourite Friday memories, but overall it was relatively filler and useless.  I could have ALSO done without the last 10 or 15 minutes of the film being devoted to the new “re-imagining” of Friday the 13th (see review HERE).  I suppose it was necessary for completion’s sake, but as the film wasn’t even released when this Doc was made and because it’s not a part of the original canon, it could’ve easily been left out.  So could the FREDDY VS. JASON segment for that matter (a truly terrible film in and of itself).

Definitely a flick for fans and completists, but not necessarily for everyone.  If you’re visiting Backwoods Horror.com, though, there’s a good chance you’ll get something out of it.

OR

DEPENDING ON YOUR LEVEL OF FANDOM (A PERSONAL 2 and 1/2 SKULLS FOR ME)

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MY NAME IS BRUCE
Directed by: Bruce Campbell
Written by: Mark Verheiden
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, Grace Thorsen, Taylor Sharpe

First, a synopsis from the Official Page at Bruce Campbell’s website:

My Name is Bruce is the heroic struggle of a small mining town (Gold Lick, Oregon) to rid itself of a vengeful monster. Guan-di (Jamie Peck), the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead, has been unleashed by cemetery desecrating teenagers to protect the graves of Chinese miners lost in a deadly cave-in of yesteryear.

The deadly demons mission is to eradicate all those who transgressed against the tomb (relatives included), which is virtually the entire population of Gold Lick. The inbred community has to find a solution so Jeff (Taylor Sharpe), the sole survivor of a deadly Guan-Di encounter, takes it upon himself to kidnap his idol, Bruce Campbell (Bruce Campbell), star of countless B-movie horror films, and recruit him to be their local savior.

Mortified at first, Bruce eventually goes along with Jeffs prank, convinced that its all an elaborate birthday present from his agent (Ted Raimi), and begins to enjoy the spoils of being a movie hero, including free liquor and Jeffs attractive mother, Kelly (Grace Thorsen).

But Jeffs scheme goes horribly wrong when his hero, known more for fighting directors than mythical warriors, haphazardly leads the town in battle against Guan-Di. Confronted by a monster thats not a guy in a rubber suit, and with the blood of innocents on his hands, Bruce abandons the harsh reality of Gold Lick for the sanctity of his former, artificial life.

In his ramshackle desert trailer, Bruce resumes the daily grind of genre sequels, poor housekeeping and cheap whiskey, but a gut-wrenching call from his biggest fan, Jeff – now forced to take on Guan-Di alone – prompts the actor to re-evaluate his destiny.

Against his better judgment (and the angry citizens of Gold Lick), Bruce returns to defeat Guan-Di, save Jeff, and snag his hot mother. In the climactic, mano-a-monster, Bruce tries to rise above the miserable, off-screen schmuck that he is and become a heroin real life.

Be afraid, Gold Lick be very afraid.

SO…what did I think?  Granted, I’m a bit biased as I’m a huge BC mark, but I actually went into the film thinking it was probably going to suck.  I had been extremely excited since I first heard of it’s conception and have reported on it repeatedly on the site.  Because of this, I was afraid of the hype and that, more than likely, the film wouldn’t live up to it.  So I popped it in and sat back with a cool glass of Catdaddy Carolina Moonshine mixed with some Mt. Dew and prepared myself for a terrible schlockfest.

What I got was a FANTASTIC SCHLOCKFEST!  This truly is THE Bruce Campbell movie.  For all of it’s flaws, I absolutely loved it.  I’m not going to call this a “low budget” movie, because it wasn’t by any means, but there were definite budget restrictions for the kind of flick they were trying to make.  I have yet to listen to the commentary track on it, though I’m sure it’ll be hilariously informative, so I’m not entirely sure if they were TRYING to make the movie look cheap or if it actually WAS cheap.  That works for this film, however, because if it had been an uberslick, Michael Bay-ish flick, it wouldn’t have worked at all.

Guan-di looked cheesy as all hell with the glowing eyes and crazy makeup and I loved Ted Raimi playing a multitude of shemp roles (a la ARMY OF DARKNESS).  I even noticed cameos by Timothy Patrick Quill (the Big Bald Blacksmith from Army Of Darkness) and Dan Hicks (Jake from Evil Dead 2) as gay rednecks.  They even made references to themselves in those other flicks, talking about how tough and dreamy Jake and The Blacksmith were.  HA!

I just loved the overall over-the-top corny nature of the movie.  It was a perfect satirical sendup of Bruce Campbell, the man, the actor, in a weird situation acting as just a regular guy (kind of like the recent JCVD).  It was funny where it was supposed to be funny, campy where it was supposed to be campy, and an overall good time.  This film is an absolute MUST for any fan of Bruce Campbell because, let’s face it, that’s who this film is marketed to.  But, as my girlfriend can attest to, it works even if your not a fan as an overall horror comedy in the vein of (but not as good as) Shaun Of The Dead.  A wonderful film.  Check it out!

4 OUT OF 5 SKULLS

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WHAT THE FUCK?

This movie was worse than Rob Zombie’s Halloween Remake.  This was ALMOST as bad as Stockholm Syndrome.  This movie is the biggest fuck up of all time.  Seriously.  WHAT….THE….FUCK.

Ok, ok, let me start over.  I went into this movie with an amazing amount of excitement.  From everything that came out before the movie hit theaters, I was stoked as hell.  Then I went to see it.  This movie is nothing like a Friday movie except that Jason is in it, but he’s not the Jason we all know and love.  He’s not your mindless, badass killing machine.  He’s this plotting, planning, tunnel living guy.  He sets up all of these traps which Jason NEVER did and, I don’t know man, I just don’t know how to go about describing this.  It’s not even a remake.  It’s more of another sequel, but a bad one, worse than Jason X.  There are no creative kills.  There IS a metric shit ton of nudity, so it had that going for it, but it didn’t really add anything to the franchise.  It was boring and meaningless.  It seemed like they TRIED to have a story going with Jared Padalecki trying to find his sister who was on some trip out in the woods to find weed when Jason struck and took out all of the teens, or college age kids or whatever.  He killed all of them EXCEPT for Padalecki’s sister.  Why?  What was the point other than a happy ending for the Padalecki character.

You hardly ever saw Jason in fact.  What the fuck was with that.  Any time you saw him, he was on screen for about 3 seconds and then we have to deal with a bunch of shit dialogue from characters we never empathize with.  We can’t even empathize with the protagonist (Padalecki) because, well, he was just as one dimensional as all the others.  It seemed almost as though this movie was put together in a rushed three day weekend.  Seriously.  I cannot rail against this movie hard enough.  I can’t believe I wasted money to see it.  It was just another forgettable slasher that doesn’t do any kind of justice for the character of Jason Voorhees or the series in general.  Avoid seeing this one unless you have a gun to your head.

Awful.  Just…just awful.

ZERO SKULLS.  THIS FLICK IS D.O.A.

POSTSCRIPT:
It would be nice, seriously, if Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay, Marcus Nispel and Brad Fuller just started selling used cars or something instead of making movies.  Talentless fucks, all of them.

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Possibly tomorrow I’ll have my thoughts on the new Friday film.  Until then, I’ll leave off with the short “I thought this flick was a huge piece of shit undeserving of, and insulting to, the name.  I actually HATE this movie.”

More tomorrow…

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Ok, well, apparently the folks over at 4th Floor Pictures weren’t too terribly excited about the review I gave for their film STOCKHOLM SYNDROME (synonymous with everything else Brain Damage excreets).  Thus, I had an email sitting in my inbox this morning:

Its funny you guys call yourself Backwoods Horror because you dont’ know anything about horror films or at least independent films.  This was an independent film made a few thousand dollars.  Its not Hollywood – its low budget film making.  Thanks for trashing it…

Ryan
4th Floor Pictures

Interesting to say the least.  I love the part where he attacks the site, stating with full intellegence how a horror site that talks MOSTLY about independent cinema (though, mostly GOOD independent cinema…some bad).  I often rail heavily against the shit coming out of Hollywood these days.  I report on it, yeah, but I also usually give a little tidbit of how shitty I believe it’ll be.  Stockholm Syndrome CAN be compared to a “Hollywood” horror film, if not by budget, than in one way…they blow chunks together.  Difference being, Hollywood blows millions to suck out loud, 4th Floor blows thousands.  Regardless, here’s my response email:

That’s great.
Listen, because you’re young and impetuous, I’ll understand this launch against me, about my not understanding about film, something I’ve devoted my life to and have worked in the industry for about a decade.  No biggie.  I understand what it is to work on independent, WAY independent budgets and I gave you credit for it.  It’s hard, I realize that.  I’m just curious as to what you expected when you finished with the film?  When you sat back and realized what you had made, did you truly think it belonged amongst the pinnacles of exploitation/independent cinema?  I’m happy for you that you’re making films, I really am.  It’s an amazing dream not everyone gets to follow and you’re doing it in spades.
Given my respect for that, there’s no way around the review I gave.  The film is just terrible.  I’m sorry, but you’re going to hear things like that when you make a terrible film.  Like I said in the review, I’d be happy to look at your other work.  I’d be interested in seeing what your films are generally like.  You know, get an overall view of the writer/director Ryan Cavalline’s repertoire.  I can’t judge you as a filmmaker on one picture alone, and I never set out to judge you personally.  I set out to review the film itself.  And the fact of the matter is that the film is just….bad.  Poor writing and poor acting was the overall MAIN problem with the film.  The sound issues could be worked with in post, not an issue, and the directing wasn’t always that bad.  There were real flashes of talent here and there.  A fantastic example of what someone can do on a low budget would have to be George Romero’s Night Of The Living Dead.  The guy had virtually no money.
The problem is, if you have such a limited budget, you need to get more creative with the story in a way to work around budgetary restraints.  Trust me man, I believe you can do it.  But if you continue to spew out flicks Brain Damage picks up for distribution, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.  Perhaps you can get some money behind you from the Brain Damage deal, however, and move on to make a better, more polished project.
I wish you all the best in future endeavors, Ryan, and look forward to seeing your future work.

Best Regards,
Aaron J. Howell

And that’s that.  Jesus man…some people.  Just chill the fuck out guys and make a better movie.

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STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
Produced/Directed by Ryan Cavalline
Story by Ryan Cavalline and Jason Senior

Well…let’s begin with a summary of this flick from what will probably be the back of the DVD (coming from Brain Damage Films on 05/05/2009):

“Somewhere, in a sleepy rural area, an underground organization is operating.  People are being kidnapped, beaten, and tortured beyond comprehension.  They are then reprogrammed to succumb to the will of their vile captors for their sick games and sold for the highest price.  Along with his accomplice, a member of this evil group is having second thoughts about his role in this field and will do whatever it takes to leave the horror behind.  Meanwhile, a young man and his pregnant wife take shelter in a run-down motel while on a road trip, unaware of the sheer terror that will soon befall them.  All three will soon come to realize that in this kind of business….NO ONE ESCAPES”

Colorful, I’m aware.  That is the kind of writing that your Joe Blow movie guy would read on the back of a dvd in your local movie-rental-plex…well, those that actually take the time to read the back of a Brain Damage “film”.

Let me talk about Ryan Cavalline.  I have to give him…what do the kids say these days?…Mad…Props? Yeah, that’s it, I have to give him Mad F-Ing Props for forming his own production team at the ripe old age of eight-freakin’-teen and proceeded to push ahead, churning out movies like a b-flick factory.  That’s tough work, and I respect that.

However…

Stockholm Syndrome is a mess.  A bloody, afterbirth of a mess.  Terrible is too haughty a word for the thing.  I have to be honest, I just couldn’t make it through the entirety of the movie; 3/4 is about as far as it went.  Normally, I never do this, but I just could NOT, BY ANY MEANS GO ON.  There was nothing even remotely redeeming about this one.  I’ve read some good reviews of the flick, and I’m happy that there’s a market out there for STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, but we (by that, I mean ME) just don’t dig it at Backwoods Horror.

First of all, it’s not even remotely MY kind of horror flick.  In fact, it’s a matter of symantics as to whether or not the film could be categorized as horror at all.  More or less, what you have here is the dreaded “psychological thriller” with a shit ton of “torture porn” thrown in for good kicks.  If that were all the problems related to STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, I’d be willing to let it slide…but I digress.

The effects were terrible, beginning with the “preggers” chick at the beginning with a very obvious Basketball under her skirt.  Ok, if you listen carefully (I had to rewind to make sure what I was hearing was, indeed, what I was hearing) when the woman pats her “pregnant” belly, you can hear, quite audibly, that “thump” one gets when slapping or flicking a basketball.  That sort of hollowed out thump.  COME ON, SERIOUSLY?  Then there’s the makeup effects.  Not too terribly bad if made by retarded monkeys throwing blood spattered poo at people.  Unfortunately, however, this doesn’t seem the case…unless chimps are taking credit.  And what about that cabbage patch doll baby?  How over the top does it get?  Was this meant as a joke?  You couldn’t create a synthetic laytex or foam rubber baby mold so that it at least has that squishy element to it?  I mean…a plastic doll?  COME ON.  Then we have all other types of zaniness.  Fake puke that didn’t look like puke, a chick pissin’ herself that was a poorly done riff from Last House On The Left, the list goes on and on.

Then there’s the sound design.  The levels were OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL.  I’d have to turn my receiver up and then BAM, VOLUME’S BACK UP TO 11.  What the hell?  So the time I DID waste watching this film was spent mostly with the remote, vainly attempting to manually equalize the audio.

For the final nails in the coffin, let’s look at the “acting,” the “cinematography,” and the overall “direction.”  Let’s look at the acting first.  I couldn’t find any.  I found a bunch of people stumbling through their lines as if they were, in some way, constipated and just trying to make it through to the cut so they could eventually drop a giant load (an apt metaphor for this “film” I think).  It was atrocious.  I’ve seen bums on fire act more convincingly (of course…you know…when they’re on fire).  I didn’t give two shits about any of these characters.  Then there’s that horrific of cinematography…or lack thereof.  Ok, it was shot on tape, miniDV from the quality.  That’s ok.  28 Days later (though shot with some nice Cannon Pro-Sumers) was still just miniDV, proving in a way that miniDV has it’s time and place.  Not here.  It just accentuated the overall cheap-ass feeling of the film with more artifacting than an antique shop.  The film was dark (c-stands, clamps and lighting aren’t all that expensive, nor are filters and gels), so at times you couldn’t very well see what was going on.  And the feeling of “in your face reality captured by talented miniDV (or digital in general) users was less than applicable here and one finds oneself wondering why all of the terrible Raimi-wannabe camera angles and extreme, obscuringly so, unnecessary close ups.  This was due in no small part to the directorial mind behind it.

The…plot…was a veritable clusterfuck of cliches, bad dialogue (and bad carrythrough from the actors), and overall story.  Because I can only guess that much of the original story was thrown out, we have, for our viewing displeasure, a series of torture porn riffs that never live up to whomever they were trying to emulate.  Heaven forbid, I even saw a bit of Eli-fuckwad-Roth’s school of “COVER A SHITTY MOVIE UP WITH GORE GALORE and TITTIES AND YOU’LL BE FINE” school of chicanary.  Oh, this flick had gore…bad, atrocious, terrible gore.  A girl (after exposing us to some barely-theres) pisses herself and is made to lick it up.  And what about this mafioso boss that looks like Ron Jeremy?  …I can’t go on, I really can’t.

This flick made me, in all actuality…angry.  I became literally pissed off that I was wasting my time with STOCKHOLM SYNDROME (a word, by the way, not even used corretly within the context of the film, so, they have butchered an English word to boot.  I…

No…that’s it.  I can’t go on any longer.  To Mr. Cavalline, I’m sorry, but if I were you, I’d take whatever negative or final product you have (be it tape or whatever) and destroy it.  I know it won’t stop this film from being released onto an unexpected audiance but, for your own sake, DESTROY IT.  That said, I would be interested to see some of your other films just to see if STOCKHOLM SYNDROME was just some horrible drunken mistake you made this time.  Perhaps this was just the bad bunch in that slowly rotting basket of film apples.

So would I be willing to give Ryan Cavalline another shot to show me that he’s more than this sordid, horrible mixup of piss-poor storyline, poor lighting, editing camera and sound work.  Anyone with the brass balls enough to strike out and work towards doing what they love best I have all the respect in the world for.  I just cannont recommend STOCKHOLM SYNDROME to anyone unless they are into really bad torture porn, horrendous acting and writing, and less than par direction.

Terrible.  DO NOT WATCH THIS.

THIS FLICK IS D.O.A–Watch at one’s own risk.
Stockholm Syndrome teaser trailer

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Ok, while not exactly horror, anyone within my age range knows that knowing is half the battle.  The GI JOE cartoon kicked major-league ass when we were kids, right? Right.  That’s why I WANTED DESPERATELY to have high hopes for the upcoming GI JOE flick, even when I heard Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing)(See What I Did There?) was directing.  Well, I just caught a glimpse of the teaser and…well…it looks like complete shit.  CG’d out the ass, of course, thank you very fucking much Stephen Fuckwad.  It’s just ridiculous.  I mean, come on, we’ve seen that movies about heroes and former cartoon characters can be serious…I mean…DARK KNIGHT anyone?  But no, like Michael Dickbreath Bay, Stephen Fuckwad Sommers had to go fuck it all up.

So go fuck yourself Sommers.

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